When I was in my early twenties Pride and Prejudice was a popular movie among my friends. It was a season where a lot of my girlfriends were newlyweds or wanting that perfect romance. Many of my girlfriends told me how wonderful the romance between the two lead characters developed and how they could watch it numerous times.
I was wrapped up in the same things they were.
I believed that the perfect guy would come to sweep me off my feet and fix all my problems.
I would not have to face being alone or face all the “adult” things such as taxes or regular car maintenance things.
I have learned over the years that my perspective and ideas were not reality.
I had the wrong expectations. Expectations set people up for failure.
I decided one Friday night, when I had no plans, to watch the raved movie.
First mistake - watching it alone.
What girl should watch a romance movie alone when they are feeling like everyone else has a relationship? (Future note - my attitude and perspective changed over the years to believing truths and not lies of jealousy and envy.)
Second mistake - watching it with a broken heart.
A broken heart due to wanting to hang on to a past relationship.
I did not believe in the promise of a better future with Jesus.
So that is the setting of my movie adventure, I made it all the way to the part where Kera Knighly is yelling at the male character that she would never love him.
Watching this scene, I felt like my life experience was flashing before me. The look on the face of the actor was the exact look on the face of my ex boyfriend. Realistic performance by the actor - so realistic it touched a deep hurt in my life.
I instantly could picture the look on his face the day I broke his heart. I told him I did not want to fight anymore. I did not think that we could work through our differences. I could not feel alone in our relationship anymore. I needed someone to be my partner, to communicate our hopes and dreams.
What I realized years later was that a lot of the problems were based on my lack of identity. I was trying to have other people and things fill my happiness.
The truth is I needed to find my identity through being a loved child of God.
I started to learn that Jesus is the only thing that could truly fill that void.
I loved my ex the best I could as a broken 22 year old. Love was based on feelings and circumstance back then for me.
I know now that love is a choice.
God's Word tells us: Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, doe not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I learned how to be loved and love others unconditionally through the love of Jesus in my life. It was a process through years of tears and victories.
I am still learning and God is teaching me how to love more like him every day.